'I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to'. Who knew Kanye West lyrics from 2008 would relate so closely to the world we're living in now, over a decade later?
When the pandemic hit the UK back in March 2020, Sam and I had (semi) recently returned from a trip to Amsterdam, a belated 21st birthday present to him from me. Looking back, I am so glad that we were able to go on that trip - not only because it was amazing and I loved every second of it, but also because I was (and still am) able to look back through the photos and relive those wonderful memories that we shared together. This was something that I found myself doing a lot, especially during the early months of the first national lockdown, where restrictions were at their toughest and you weren't able to spend time with anyone that you didn't live with. Sam and I both still live at home with our parents, and neither of us really wanted to move in to the other's parent's house, especially when we thought it would only be for 3 weeks. But obviously that wasn't the case, and Sam and I didn't see each other at all for 9 weeks. Sure, we facetimed and zoom-called, but it's just not the same. Especially for a couple in their early twenties that had been together for over 4 and a half years at that point. I just felt that, as much as I wanted to see and speak to Sam, when we did chat over facetime, we had nothing to talk about because obviously we weren't doing anything.
Don't get me wrong, I understand that the national lockdown was 10000% needed, and at the time I was really hopeful that by following these restrictions, we would be helping to make a real difference in reducing the spread of the virus and helping things to return to a bit closer to normality.
And then we reached mid-May and restrictions started to ease. Slowly but surely, Sam and I were able to start seeing each other again. First on long summer walks or picnics in the park, then he was able to come and sit in my garden. The rules changed again, and we could actually enter each other's houses! A prospect that seemed so trivial just 6 months prior, actually was life-changing for us at that stage. And finally, after what felt like an eternity, overnight stays were once more allowed. Things finally appeared to be heading somewhat back to normal, and through being able to spend quality time together, I found myself falling in love with him all over again.
But, as we all know, if something appears to be too good to be true, it probably is, and the UK went back into a full lockdown in November, the day before we were supposed to go to Cheddar for a well-deserved long-weekend together. I was absolutely devastated. I remember the night that the announcement was made. My mum was out with a friend, my sister was upstairs, and me, Sam and my dad were watching the news. I just burst into tears.
Once again, our time together was restricted to outside dog walks. But November in the UK is cold and dark, and although I was happy to just be able to see Sam at all this time around, I wasn't as enthralled by the prospect of walking outside as I was back in the summer.
Without going on too much about how the UK seemed to yo-yo in and out of lockdowns and tier changes, the restrictions were eased again after the November lockdown, which we'd had to "protect Christmas", only to be tightened once more. On Boxing Day, Swindon went into tier 3, and on New Year's Eve, tier 4. It just kept getting worse. And just as we all thought that, with most of the country being in tier 4 already, restrictions couldn't get any tighter, BOOM - England went into National Lockdown no.3.
Now, as I've said, I know it is for a good reason, and that saving people's lives and protecting the NHS is far more important than little old me getting to see my boyfriend. I understand that for a lot of people, Coronavirus has had a far more negative impact on your life. I really do feel for anyone who has suffered badly with COVID-19, or who have lost family members to this cruel virus. I am genuinely so so sorry that anyone has had to deal with that, and I don't want to trivialise those experiences at all - because in the grand scheme of things I have been very very lucky.
However, I don't think I would be alone in saying how disappointed I am that we seem to be going round and round in a never-ending circle. I feel so disheartened that the 2 previous lockdowns didn't really do much, and in my opinion, weren't really given a chance to make a positive difference. I just feel very let down. And I think that the UK should never have been allowed to get into this state.
But, we are in lockdown 3.0, and almost in a state of déjà vu, Sam and I are stuck AGAIN doing our freezing Saturday morning walks just in order to see each other. I really hate not being with him. Even the little things like watching TV together and eating dinner together I miss, despite being perfectly capable of doing these things on my own or with my family.
And, like everyone else, we are desperately hoping that the vaccines get distributed as quickly as possible, and as many people have it as can, so that COVID can stop taking away people's lives - in both senses of the phrase - at the earliest possible time.
We are looking to move in together in the next few months - something that I am really looking forward to. But until then, the weekly walks will have to do.
Have any of you had a similar experience, or are you lucky enough to live with your other half?
With love, Chloe x
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